Why has Cathy been quiet?
I’m struggling. I’m done pretending I’m not. The Caffeinated Advocate is waving a white flag stained with salted caramel coffee spots (try it – Aldi’s K-Cups are actually pretty bomb-diggity).
I haven’t blogged in months, despite my spiffy new logo (thanks again a billion times over to Eric Buczynski of Digi-Detox Computer Services and my dear friend). I haven’t written a chapter in weeks … a month, maybe? I don’t know, it’s probably been longer than that. I thought that my latest reads and follows (David Allen’s “Getting Things Done”, Jen Sincero’s “You Are A Badass,” and Rachel Hollis’s “Girl, Wash Your Face” to name a few recent faves) would have perked me up more and propelled me forward. Well, sure they helped me push towards my goal of reading 5 books over the next year, set for myself because all I have done the past two years is skim social media or flip through Mama’s Betty’s celeb mags.
Nope. I’m tired.
I’m. so. damn. tired.
My self care has SUCKED. I can’t sugarcoat that – sucked, sucked, and suuuuuuuuuuuuucked. I take small moments here and there, but those moments are few and far between and extremely inconsistent. And that means I’m in poor condition to serve others effectively.
I’ve been in this place before, and I’ll pull out again. That’s what I do. That’s what everyone is used to seeing from me – a gladiator that rises from the ashes and reignites the whole damn fire. And maybe that’s why people are inspired by my words and my example. I am one of those people that isn’t afraid to be real, has learned to be completely vulnerable, and doesn’t need to take 1578 photos of my grabbing my tousled hair and spend an hour creating a faux pretty caption with cursive font at a cheap attempt to depict my non-existent perfect life. Anyone see my before pic napping under my leopard throw yesterday? HOT. MESS. EXPRESS.
As another year slowly winds to a close, I know that it is up to me to make more change – lifestyle changes – before the year is out. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I don’t wait for 12/31 and I abhor resolutions. I am one of those “start here, start now” folks. It was truly my mantra for 2017, it spilled over into 2018, and I made a number of changes in my life. They were terrifying yet transforming. I quit many things, including jobs and toxic relationships.
Walking away without explanation, clarity or closure from what turned out to be another toxic relationship hit me harder than I thought it would, especially at a time when I’m in the midst of throwing myself into my work (but is this something new?), supporting my son through transition
and self-discovery, and as usual, trying to be everything to everyone and then some.
I am thankful … so, so thankful to the people who have shown the hell up and shown me immense love over the past few months. Whether you have gifted me with your words, your time, and/or treasured and thoughtful material objects, I couldn’t possibly be more thankful. My family (Mama Betty and Chris), my furballs, my honey, my team – which includes all of my ATS kindred spirits (in particular, my core team of Rick, Gina, Janice, Brittany and Kim and then an abundant crew of field staff), and a few friends very worthy of mention (Christina, Diane, Hilary, Meredith, Heidi, Tanya, along with comments and posts from “Prue,” Jenny, Deanna, Tim, Patti, Cheryl and Carrie to name just a very few popping in my head) have truly pulled me through thus far.
I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of catch up to make to meet my goals. But as Diane reminded me in our call a few weeks ago, I need to repair myself first. I cannot function at the warp speed I’ve been pushing myself to maintain and I can’t do that just because some book or website or blog or Instagram tells me I need to #hustle. My wellness has suffered and I know what happens when I allow that. And it’s not pretty and certainly not social media “worthy.”
My struggle bus is chugging along, fueled by caffeine. First on my to do list … has to be me. Your regularly scheduled #caffeinatedadvocate will be back in action in due time. Pinky swear.
Abundant love to all.